sometimes i really enjoy the fact that every time my last name is run through spellcheck, it suggests "malice." i used to be hurt by it, but now i find it funny...

hm. the last two weeks have been an amazing rollercoaster of emotions, prescription changes, and effexor withdrawals. but while the lows are devastating, the highs are so...i don't know...pure? and it's not as fleeting a feeling as it used to be. i can be in a good mood, a truly good mood, for more than twenty minutes! and while it sucks major ass, for lack of a better term, to go plummeting towards bottom again, when the next high hits the bottom, while not forgotten, isn't a big issue until i'm there again. so that's my thing for the week.

also, the libido's returned. well, shown up, i should say, as it wasn't really there before. there has been no acting upon this discovery, but it's there. sometimes. okay, more than it has been since starting meds years ago.

but on a sad note, i think i'm lonlier now than i have been in a long time. it's almost a self-imposed solitude, because i've convinced myself that i'm not good enough on any level to be friends with the people i know who have lives, who have something accomplished, to have things to be proud of. i have none of that, because i waited too long to get started, and then, before i knew it, it seemed like everything had passed me by. i feel like i'm too much of a joykill to be around people. the worst part, i think, is when i''m going to have to push aaron away when he gets done with school and gets a real job. i'll sit here, in my little cubicle. at my little job that could get cut (due to budgets) any day. with my high school diploma, and nothing else. that way i can't drag him down too.

so, here's the past few days in a nutshell: drug rides (whee), discovering lust (although not acting on it; and anyway, how did lust become a classier synonym for horny?), and realizing that i really don't have any friends, because they're all beyond me. i'll stay back here in your dust, thanks, and keep warm on your back burner.